Saturday, March 24, 2007
Who Stole the Ash Tray Lamp?
Note the lamp on the leftAny one who has seen us live may have noticed our unique light show. It is no accident that we posses some of the coolest vintage lights from some of the better basements of Western Canada. Some of these gems we have found stopping at garage sales along the way to a gig, others just came from friends or foes or the landlady from the last tenants. Some Clem has found at the dump while looking for building material for his trailer.
But occasionally we carry a treasure that has deep sentimental value, or a sortied story.
The Ash Tray Lamp is one of those.
As legend goes, a young Lou Fontaine came across a Grand Master circus announcer one day while looking for empties along the side of the road. This fellow looked kinda creepy, and had a smell of smoked meat and day old liquor. He introduced himself as Ebru Labadon of the Shrine Circus, then said his friends all called him Eb. Eb was concerned that he did not have an Heir to teach the ropes of show bizz to. All his skills and abilities would end with him if he couldn't find a young squire to follow in the ways of the RiNG MaStER.
As a young man Lou was always egar to see what happens behind the curtain, so he said "Youz got thems Monkeys too?" To which wise old Eb said "driven away from Tobit's fiancee bit, by bit ye the stink of burning fish hangs around yer neck." Lou: HUH whaat?
EB: Err...never mind.. then punched him in the nose. Blood shot out like a water cannon and old EB laughed like the sound of thunder. He said to Lou, " squires always sign in blood....that makes it forever....." "But if you stop crying I'll let you spank thoses darn monkeys!"
So from that day forth Lou became the student of Eb the ring Master. Things were great for the first few months. Lou got to eat all the snow cones he could and at night try to peek into the trailer of the bearded lady.....but then one day it all came crashing down.
It seemed Eb had a lot of Friends that would come around at all hours of the night and they all seemed real interested in helping old Eb dig this real deep pit they kept calling
"Angel of deepness the Archfiend" Lou thought meant "Those NDP tax collectors can rot in the bottomless pits of hell" which makes sense to all of us...but it must have been a big hole to hide all the money they made so the government wouldn't find it.
"Angel of deepness the Archfiend" Lou thought meant "Those NDP tax collectors can rot in the bottomless pits of hell" which makes sense to all of us...but it must have been a big hole to hide all the money they made so the government wouldn't find it.
As curiosity got the better of him, Lou crept to the edge of the tent covered pit that strangely glowed with the embers of something exciting yet scary. The sound of laughter, crying, moaning and groaning mixed with the occasional clank of empty bottles, the sound young Lou knew too well . He stumbled upon "The After Hours Party." Lou may have been young, but he knew this was no ordinary party. The cries of pleasure sounded like the cries of agony Lou would hear when he was tasked with the deed of spanking the monkeys night after night.
Ever so softly he crept not to disturb the sleepy however watchful eye of De moine, the half man half goat that worked the freak show tent during the adult shows.
Then it happened, Tiny, the little circus monkey that Lou liked to spank jumped up in front of him and let out a harrowing cry, no doubt a warning to the others that Lou, YES LOU, the Monkey Spanker himself was stumbling into a forbidden event that would scar a young man for the rest of his life. The jig was up, Lou was caught. The girls were emberrased and the carnies were pissed.
Wise old Eb, (who's friends sometimes called him Bell zee k Bub ba.....cause he was from the south...the deep south.....) knew that Lou's time would come but he was just too young. Eb gave Lou his walking papers with a special parting gift. You guessed it, the red glowing Ash Tray Light. Eb left him with the instructions that when ever you feel like spanking the monkeys again, just chant the magic words.....
So if the lamp were to fall into the wrong hands, say the hands of a lamp thief, then I emplore you for your own good bring it back and let us kick the shit out of you.
As of right now your desteny is old Eb himself waiting to deal with you. One night in the near future at three a.m. you will be waked by the sounds of four legged beasts scratching at your door and you will know it is the 'wisht hounds' of the circus sent by Eb to hunt you down.
The only way to stop the onslaught of the hounds is that before you go to bed every night you must start by standing in front of your livingroom window with the lights on and the blinds wide open. In your mom's thong, with a small hand miorror look deep into your own eyes and yell the words
" Ladies and Gentlemen, children off all ages, in the centre ring I give you ME, THE Lamp Stealing MONKEY SPANKER. "....and I hope for your sake it works.
Labels: Clem, hot rod hullabaloo, Lou, Lucifer, Monkey, Monty P Marshall, spank
